Mentally Screwed Up

I took off for a week.
Left for Chandi on Friday, to return on Mon... came back on next sat.
Very conveneintly fell ill on monday.
Was completely shitting in my pants when I walked in on Mon morning. Had a pained expression on my face at 9.30am, simply because I was apprehensive of the reactions of Big B.
Luckily for me... she was on leave on mon! Now how lucky is that.

Our brief conversation on the phone was cold and strained.
She definitely did NOT want anything to do with me when I called at 10am trying to show my pro activenesss!!!
So I spent the day viling away my time again.
Scanned the net... read a few interesting .blogs.... did some random jazz on Orkut and just lay back and tried to relax.

Am more and more restless everyday...
What am I doing here? what the hell is research? How many questions are we going to ask? Damn these presentations.
Consequently end up questioning myself- so what do I want to do? Where do I want to go? huh???

God... gimme some direction before I drive myself nuts.

After the Appraisal

Well... It happened.
Should I be thrilled that it happened?... Finally?

I dont know. Harsh criticism concealed in the garb of sugary words, meant to throw you off the course, doesnt go down very well with me. However, I've taken it before and I have taken it yesterday.

I was told

• I've got good communication skills ( why thank you! So, I can talk )
• I've got enthusiasm to work ( well I'd be thrown out if I didnt?!!)

n then the bamboo's start coming:

• I'm eager to deliver ( too eager actually. On the brink of impatience. Ultimately, I churn out something which should have taken 6 hours in 2, leading to careless mistakes and twice the work)
• I'm NOT intutive enough ( so sue me !)
• I dont have any common sense ( Up yours dude!). This one is a culmination of impatience+ Lack of intution+ careless+ no attention to detail+every single negative which an employee could possibly have.

I'm therefore faced with a few choices:

• To continue working here and more precisely under Big B = work harder, work to impress, work to improve, work to become smarter ( and leave the shadow of the dumb, stupid, moronic personality that I am, behind!) basically make her fall in love with me. the deadline for the same being, mid-year appraisal.
• To leave as soon as I find a better option = Going through the painful task of applications, interviews etc, not to mention the constant upgradation of my CV on naukri.com, start establishing myself from scratch in a new place, go through the rigmarole of trying to build some sort of a rapport with new boss again ( which may or may not happen, considering my authority repulsing ability)
• OORRR....Would it be better to just disappear? Or catch the next shatabdi to chandigarh and never come back? Or better still... move to the hills. To live in a remote village and grow apples with humble, innocent villagers, who would ofcourse welcome me with open arms. I'd probably give them some worldly gyan once in a while about politics, market reseach, life in general. Not to mention, sitting in the evenings in the village chaupal and smoking chillums with the elders.

So, which one will it be?

Before the Appraisal

There is a reason why Im here.
n there's also a reason why I've named this blog 'fauxpasqueen'.
Its not everyday that one can relate to 'Office' in a manner in which you feel that your life is being replayed on TV over and over again.

This is NOT about today.
This is about FOREVER.

So, I appear to have a problem wid authority. Today being my annual appraisal, Im going to get plenty of that in my face. I suppose enough to digest for a while! Think I've already hinted at the obvious- am not bum chums with Big B. come to think of it, have never really been. :(

Neway, have been suffering from palpatations and sweaty palms for over a week now, waiting for today to come. n It's finally here. Have begun the day on a negative note:

• Big B returns from a funeral. Me like a pro-active subordinate that I am go upto her to pay my condolensces.

Me- " How are you? Hope everything is ok?", she promptly replies, " Yes. But Dad fell ill at the funeral. Just needs some checkups". I'm nodding vigourously, " Ok. hope he's ok soon!". she says, " Yes.".... awkward silence filled by mutual nodding for no reason.

Me, " Ok... Ok" she, " Ok."... me, " Ok. Peace and Love". She's like, " Ok".

I walk. n I wanna hit myself. 'Peace and love'?????? I mean what were you thinking woman. That is simply NOT how one pays ones condolensces. n Ive just discovered I'm a walking-talking ass.

Neway. I try to put it behind me. I cannot even begin to think what kind of adjectives would be running through her head in my name. Moron? Dumb? Wierd? ... forget it... I dont even want to go in that direction, coz it makes me feel worse about the latest faux pas.

n then, she comes upto me to tell me that the appraisal is not being done by her alone. Its Big B+ Big Big B ( her boss). My only question being- Why? The entire countryside gets bambooed by their IMMEDIATE superior, NOT the entire management. Is this a mind game? or is it a conspiracy against the weak and dumb founded? Will I be clinically dissected or throttled in seconds? Will I forget my words and make a fool of myself again or will I be able to counter their arguments? Should I kill myself before the ordeal or after?

Am FREAKING out... what else can I possibly do?